It is often said that it is difficult to distinguish between love and desire. What do you think are the signs that do not deceive?
The amorous state is translated first by an obsession. The other invades our thoughts until saturation as if he accompanied us constantly. Then there are also the physical signs, with the hormonal phenomena: dilated pupils, accelerating heart rate, very strong sexual attraction. That being said, it is important to point out that today, the feelings of pleasure, of desire, are no longer to oppose love. The love “crystallization” dear to Stendhal, which designates this moment of tilting, where one lets go to give oneself to the other, has moved. With the Internet, for example, feelings are boosted, everything goes faster. People know each other before meeting each other.
Can we really talk about science in love?
Love, a harmony between “the guts, the heart and the spirit”
No. Hormones can explain desire, but not love. They are necessary but not sufficient conditions. Love goes far beyond the physiological aspect. All the hormones in the world will never replace the mind or the heart, which leads to the discovery of the other. Finally, we could perhaps define love as this harmonization between “the guts, the heart and the spirit”.
Yet, as soon as we try to define love, it seems to escape us …
That’s exactly it: no definition is really appropriate. Take Antonioni’s movie, Blow-Up: At one point, the characters look at a picture. And, the closer they come, the less they see it. Love is this paradox. The more we try to define it, the darker it gets. Love is something that lives, and no word can fully transcribe this lived emotion. It is a state that is beyond us, that we have every interest in experiencing to recognize it afterwards.
Does “love at first sight” exist?
Yes, of course, and I wish everyone to live it one day! It is a meeting between two people that is played primarily in the eye. Both individuals have the feeling of knowing each other from eternity. This is called “crystallization in the eye”. But it’s up to us to make this state last! Love is something that you build, that you decide. It would be foolish to think that “life is love”, that we are forever sheltered from “interference”, these hazards of life that can shake a couple.
Can we always dream of great love, when a couple in two divorce?
We can have many great loves in one life!
Yes, but it is absolutely necessary to take out the notion of duration from that of the “great love”. The duration has nothing to do with it. Thinking of making one’s life with the same person is an almost dated concept, so much has life changed, as people live longer, travel more. In short, the number of “interference” has increased considerably. Today, love is lived by “phases”. We can have many great loves in one life!
If love is lived by “phases”, can we speak of a refusal to go to the end of a single story to live the maximum of experiences?
No, because it is up to us to know how to rekindle the flame of desire, and to live the maximum of phases with one person. Love is something that fluctuates: after three years, the passion is less and later, blended families, children who go to school can erode feelings. To cope with these cycles inherent in the life of a couple, we must bring what I call “a notion of contribution to the world”: not to rest the meaning of his life only in the other, but to realize also outside. To make love last, it is important to create things around the couple, to “contribute” to the smooth running of the world. This “contribution” often takes the form of children, but it can also result in a shared passion, a busy associative life … You have to know how to be generous, and not to confine yourself to two in a life that becomes quickly monotonous. This is the key to a lasting love.
So generosity would be the ultimate indication of the state of love according to you?
Yes. We must constantly ask ourselves the question: what do we do with our love? Because the passion of the beginnings is something ephemeral. Only generosity can bring us to make it last. By generosity I mean a vision of the world that we build as we go along. A world that we gently shape in our image, as we would stack bricks. The more there is, the stronger it is.
What do you think of the general craze around marriage?
Today, marriage has become a fad, a “people” event. We are getting married to make a trendy, memorable party. And often people are not in. They stay on the surface. That being the case, if you put your heart into it, marriage can give you beautiful things.