How to relearn how to love after a breakup?
We finally digest the breakup love, took the life side fun. And we would risk once again to love, desire, be seduced. Small methodology of the second time.
Whether you are two or ten years out of a relationship, after the break-up, you need time to mourn. We isolate ourselves. We digest. And then, one day, the heart and the body call … Exit? To meet a man? Let him approach us? Make love again – you mean, naked? Trust? To risk getting hurt? So many threats that can terrorize the bravest. To better understand, we interviewed survivors of celibacy who, strong as Hercules and fragile like Bambi, have – despite everything – put back in saddle. And have not regretted it. From the complexes to the anxieties, we decouple for you the seven brakes of the return to the seduction.
To regain self-confidence to love each other
That the one who has never had atrocious complex when she was single throws us the first stone … First, a separation, even when it was desired, rarely gives a boost of self-confidence. Then, accustomed to the eyes of one man, we forgot to be seen by other eyes – necessarily cruel. Finally, if the relationship lasted a long time and we had children, our body has (much too) changed since the last time we wanted to please a stranger.
But if we do not love each other, and no kind flirty comes to save us, what do we do? “The first step is to look at yourself … and God knows if you need courage! smiles the psychologist Maryse Vaillant *. The external gaze – of men, of society – is no longer that of the man who loved us for our inner qualities. You have to find a certain tenderness for yourself, to see yourself as one could see someone you love. “A look that works, and that can work miracles:” In two years, I lost eight pounds, changed hairstyle, clothing style, resumed classical dance and began to wear heels. And above all, I understood that if I did not like myself, I did not risk to please others. No miracle, then, and a cliché with a long life: love yourself and the man will love you. Why not ?
To mourn love to fully embark on a new relationship
This is often the first argument of freshly separated. “The time to” mourn “a relationship depends on everyone, but usually it takes a year. Loneliness is a good thing after a breakup, to protect yourself and make the point, “says Maryse Vaillant. A period not necessarily pleasant – but always constructive.
Some try to skip this step, eager for fantasies maintained during their life as a couple, but sometimes it’s the flop: “Liberated, I thought it was going to be the explosion … But not at all! The bustling life of a bachelor has been slow to come. The convalescence was longer than expected! Smiles Charlotte, 30, separated from her son’s father for four years.
So, mourning, are we cultivating it? “Not too much either! warns Maryse Vaillant. Loneliness can also lock us up, build a wall between us and others. The isolation must be temporary. And without necessarily looking for someone, you have to know how to keep in touch with the outside world: dinners with friends, sports, soft exits … The important thing is not to lose the thread with those around us. ” Message received.
Reconnect with carnal pleasures
And what about sex? Maryse Vaillant reassures: “During the first night with a man, the panic of those who stayed long with the same companion is terrible: their body is a few years or even decades older than the last time they have undressed face to a new look … But we can do miracles with dim lights, lingerie, perfume, soft skin and well chosen words. I will advise those who are particularly anxious to pass the course with a man for whom they do not have too many feelings. “
Sex is not forgotten, but it is not learned either … Some women discover sexual happiness during their second or third love life. It would be a shame to miss.
To relearn the codes of seduction
to seduce is extremely difficult. Especially since after a breakup, we still have in mind the codes of seduction with each other. “Most women do not flirt, they let themselves be flirted and report that they are available, by their attitude, their eyes, a smile … And it works very well! So much the better, because at present we are not capable of much more.
Go out and meet people to give themselves a new chance
Friends of friends and office colleagues, we went around. So to meet sublime males in love breakdown, how do we do? Strangely, remains this deep belief that love is not provoked.
A romantic encounter, on the contrary, is something that surprises, jostles, with a touch of mystery. The only thing to make it come faster is to be open, radiate availability. Sincerely, it’s effective. No miraculous place teeming with perfect males and therefore available. If multiplying the windows of shots while keeping the smile seems apparently the best of the options, one does not remain nor to sulk in his corner while waiting for Spiderman to arrive. Too bad, huh?
Composing with his family life
There is no question of imposing a tocard on the loupiots, nor of breaking their hearts a second time with a new breakup. Children, it makes you cautious. And sometimes more closed.
The singles with children also faces practical details “You have to find (and pay!) A babysitter, do not hurt your little one on the timeshare together … Of course, your single life unbridled in take a shot. This is not an excuse enough to fall back home. “The combination, is to have two outings per week with other single mothers, and to organize a pajama party at one or the other, in turn, to share Baby-sitting expenses … And above all, go out to party, see people, but not in the idea of finding a guy, because it depresses when you come home alone. In short, just for fun, because it feels good, and it gives a smile. Prerequisite for a meeting …
Finally, being a mother also has advantages. For example, that of preventing any sloppiness. “Even anguished and desperate, I took on me, for my son,” she continues. Albane goes even further: “Paradoxically, it’s for my girls that I forced myself to look for someone. I knew they would be happier with a good looking mom. If I was only a mother, I was going to choke them. I had to become a woman again for them. Thank you little ones.
Overcoming your fears to give love a chance
Ouch. We reach the heart of the problem. The only real (and demonic) obstacle after a breakup in love: the unbelievable fear of loving. To recover in a dynamics of seduction, at the bottom, it is to risk falling again in love and … to remake itself badly. Albane admits it: “The father of my daughters was already a big mistake, I’m afraid to reoffend. As a result, I observe many couples around me: which ones work? How? Alas, fear does not avoid danger. “Right after my husband, I met someone, a wonderful story … that quickly ended in a cruel disappointment. It destroyed me. I’m not ready to let go immediately, “says Elise.
“Returning to the market” means allowing yourself to be desired again and taking the risk of being desired. And not only carnally, it’s what terrorizes. We must therefore accept being imperfect, and project ourselves with a companion who will not be a prince charming but a man to love. And ask yourself, before being afraid that he will take you back his love, if you, you are ready to give him some. Hum. Good question. We will respond as soon as we are out of bed.